Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Possible News Headlines from the Year 2030

I recently read a chain letter about possible news headlines in the year 2029 if things keep getting more liberal and more socialist. Apparently, these people are unaware that the White House, the House and the Senate are all dominated by conservative Republican Christians and that people are still tying to get creationism taught as science in public schools and that more and more federal money is being diverted to Christian groups for "Faith Based Initiatives". I think they need a reality check.

The following are hypothetical headlines that we may see during the year 2030 if things continue down their current path.

News headlines in the year 2030:

Federal Way, Washington-The last remaining trees in Brazil and Washington State were cut down today. US lumber companies to petition congress for more subsidies as they have no more trees from which to produce lumber.

Atlanta, GA-The new Bible will be released this year to include the Bush legacy and leave out the un-proven, controversial topics such as Jesus helping the poor, clothing the homeless and healing the sick. It will also include the lost Gospel of Eziria which was mysteriously discovered near Provo, UT last year. Eziria is the Gospel which stipulates how much Jesus hated homosexuals and how he preached on the evils of the day after pill, stem cell research and how God once wiped out an entire civilization of socialists because they disobeyed his laws.

Washington DC -Social Security is in trouble again; the Republican Congress has decided they should allow people to take their portion of SS to the horse track with the possibility of increasing their earnings to a ratio of 18:1.

South Bend, IN-The Christian Militia executed the last US science teacher today in Northern Indiana. With his last words he still claimed that the Earth was round and that God didn't create man on the 6th day of Earth's existence. Bob Blowheart of ID Publishing Group was quoted as saying "We can find no evidence that Charles Darwin ever existed or wrote a book about the origin of species and natural selection." "Further more, our scientists have found no evidence supporting evolution in either the New American Version or the King James Bible."

Detroit, MI-The last US factory closed today with cheers and applause from America's top .5% income earners who now own 98% of our nation's wealth and pay 12% of our nations federal taxes. They were quoted as saying "This is a great day for capitalism! The people have spoken and with this closure we should see a .25 point increase in McGeneral Electric-Marts stock price. The lazy, poor criminal element that used to be known as factory workers were bulldozed into a ditch and executed in the name of Jesus, thus taking their socialist causes with them.

Bali, The Disputed Zone-The US invaded Indonesia today upon fears that one of its citizens was firing a gun into the air expressing his discontent with the US. The sun will truly never set on the American Empire. Ayatollah J.W. Bush II was quoted as saying "You are either with us or against us and the cause of freedom."

Richmond, VA-A new report was released today indicating the Senate Inquiry Into Removing Bill Clinton from the History Books revealed that Bill Clinton may have also lied to his father when he was 12 and a half years old. This has long been a debate as congress insisted that the most prosperous time in American history since post WWII was due to Reagan's sharp mind and superior intellect and had nothing to do with Clinton or the anti-capitalistic elimination of the budget deficit under his guidance.

Tupelo, MS-This years death rate for women who seek abortions has declined to 19,742, down 4% from last years numbers. The American Family Association was quoted as saying "The culture of life is clearly prevailing and the decrease in death rates goes to show that fewer women are seeking illegal back alley abortions."

Brussels-The United Union of Europe was accused by America of being socialist due to their low rate of poverty, high employment rate, workers rights and universal health care. Ayatollah Bush was pointing out the parallels between the new European State and the Nazis of Germany. Many Europeans feel Bush was just lashing out due to the weakening dollar and Europe's huge trade surplus.

Shanghai-China has secured the large US owned industrial complex, expelled all American business men and converted these factories into Chinese Military applications to further strengthen their dominance of the lunar landscape. US Businessmen cried foul but were told by Bush that we have no recourse against such a huge industrial giant, and since all of our military weapons were manufactured in China over the last few years, and our forces are spread so thin, we have no capacity to build up our military in response. Mexico and India are keeping a close eye on the Chinese and may also choose to take government ownership of American industrial sites, as they have yet to reap any benefits from the low wage jobs and high levels of pollution generated from these factories. They will also seek to convert these facilities to military production to keep up in the arms/space race with the Chinese.

New York, NY-Toyota announced today that its new SUV will be powered on tap water at a cost under $50,000 per vehicle. Stock prices for GM and Ford plummeted as the two "American" companies have still yet to produce a gas powered hybrid model as all the major Japanese cars are now Hydrogen based. Executives at GM's Cayman Islands headquarters blame this on rising labor costs in Mexico, India and Nigeria and that the US has not provided it with enough tax payer subsidies to fund this type of research. The CEO of GM alone makes $325 million per year in corporate compensations, as their typical worker averages $12 per day.

Prudhoe Bay Alaska- Last weeks oil spill that wiped out 11,000 acres of the former arctic wildlife preserve, was accidentally ignited today when temperatures soared into the low 80s. The combination of combustible oil, dry weather, unfiltered UV rays, high temperatures and careless oil workers were to blame in this years worst oil spill fires. Over population/population of wildlife is no longer an issue for oil companies. Authorities believe the fire was started by a workers cigarette. Bin Laden-Cheney Oil Group is now suing Phillip Morris-Reynolds for making flammable cigarettes and selling them to one of their workers.

Erbil, Kurdistan- The oil rich US territory of Kurdistan is set for its historic vote tomorrow on whether or not to become America's 52nd state.

Jackson, MI- The No Child Left Without a Gun Act passed through congress today and is awaiting the Supreme Leaders signature. Commie gun control activists say that requiring all children over the age of 6 to carry a gun is ridiculous and has no basis in the Constitution and simply will not make us safer. NRA President Ted Nugent had the following to say: "All the research we have done has led us to the conclusion that more guns make us safer; just look at any battlefield where everybody is armed and you will realize how safe a place such as that really is. We have also found that a kidnapper will think twice about abducting a child who is armed."

Simi Valley, CA- Former President Ronald Reagan was resurrected today due to advances in stem cell research. Although stem cell research has been outlawed, the Republican Congress held one of its "emergency sessions" last year to vote on making an exception to "Bring Back the Great Gipper."

Washington DC- The FCC is issuing a 100 million dollar fine against HBO which aired a segment titled "Drugs or Diet... The truth behind the death of Rush Limbaugh", in which a former opponent of Limbaugh used the phrase "God Damnit" during a cable TV interview.

Dade County Florida- Congress to investigate faulty voting machines in Florida, apparently they are still letting black people vote.

Washington DC - The IRS claims its new regulations will no longer enable it to audit anyone who earns more than $100k per year. In order to make up for the lost revenue they will be forced to raise taxes on tips that people in the service industry, now 86% of the US workforce, depend on to survive. "Finally, we will allow the innovators and the people with capital to focus on reinvesting into our economy, instead of having to follow every rule and guideline and answer redundant questions about their finances, let the people who drain our society pay the price", says Stanley Spadowski of Smith Barney Solomon Block and Waterhouse Investments Group, from his 5 million dollar Yacht near Nassau, Bahamas.

New York, NY- Ayatollah Bush signed into law today the CENSORED CENSORED Act which will allow the government to CENSORED CENSORED, and CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED its citizens, and to take away thier right to CENSORED CENSORED. The group of Complacent Americans, formerly the ACLU, said that this Bill will undermine the U.S. CENSORED, and take away CENSORED and CENSORED, plus the CENSORED, that America was founded upon.

Baton Rouge, LA- Special travel rates are making the "Gulf Shores of Baton Rouge" a popular tourist destination. The Baton Rouge Development Board credits the ad campaign: "Where the Mighty Miss and the Gulf of Mex Meet!" for the influx of tourism and beach front construction. "Americans just love their newest beach front" says Marcille Duvell of Port Allen, LA, which has also seen a sharp increase in construction of beach properties.

Little Rock, AR- A death sentence was handed down today for Stan Metcoff who was convicted of burning a US flag late last year. Stan claimed his innocence by saying he was only following the tradition of burning a flag, out of respect, after it touches the ground. Neither that, or the first amendment was enough to save him since the US redefined its definition of treason 25 years ago to include dissent towards the President, displeasure of US policies, political protests and anything deemed anti-American, which includes flag burning.

Long Branch, NJ- Hundreds of residents awoke today to the sounds of bulldozers that were gearing up for their neighborhoods demolition. Most of the residents had time to put on shoes and flee before the wrecking ball went to work. Starbucks-Trump International has decided to construct a new 100 story casino resort in place of the century old historic neighborhood. A Supreme Court decision back in the early part of this century cleared the way for municipalities to forcefully remove any residence or business that was interfering with the cities right to rezone and rebuild any property at the request of a higher bidder. Clearly the rights of the government, people with money and big business are more important than individual property rights guaranteed by the 5th amendment. One resident, Ivan Petronov said it reminded him of the stories his great grandfater told of peasants being tossed off their farm land by the Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin.
Neither Ivan nor his family could be reached later for a follow up interview.

Beverly Hills, CA- Gun pried out of Charlton Heston's cold dead hands.







40 comments:

shadylayne said...

I read the original version of this (the aforementioned chain letter) once before, and it's not all around ultra-conservative. Of course, it does have a few obligatory stabs at people like the Clintons and the clearly evil environmentalists who *god forbid* enjoy breathing.

Yours is to the extreme as always, but a Charleton Heston joke is always welcome.

Boiled Owl said...

An inspired bit of writing, Toad734. Hell of a job.

indygirl said...

I'm digging your lists.

trick said...

Genius. I'm afraid many of those possibilities might happen before 2030, though.

On a lighter note, also check out The Onion from the future year 2056:

http://www.theonion.com/2056-06-22/

Toad734 said...

Weird, I have never seen that. Cleary I like the "Butt Fuckers Go Wild" sweeps the daytime emmys headline.

Toad734 said...

Oh that's their actual weekley paper.

Son of Lilith said...

Toad, Toad, Toad...

Don't you know that by 2030 all the papers will say is THE GOVERNMENT IS GREAT AND WONDERFUL. YOU SHALL SWEAR LOYALTY TO THE GOVERNMENT. ALL HAIL THE GOVERNMENT. EIN REICH, EIN VOLK, EIN FUHRER!

Anonymous said...

Uh, you said Nazi. Please apologize.

trick said...

Yes! I demand an apology at once!

Oh, and by the way, your new picture is very funny. We need another episode of the evolution debate around here. But no grotesque photos, please.

Toad734 said...

I dont know what I can say that hasn't already been said.

Ill have to wait for more evidence to present itself

BRUISER said...

You forgot about the Yugo comback as the dollar will be devalued further than the Egyptian Pound...which currently we do not trade or give any value to. Great list none the less.


Welcome to the United States of Saudi Arabia

Anonymous said...

Hey The Republicans want a stop to all this Nazi Bashing.

Whats the deal with that?

Boiled Owl said...

"Anon," It's professional courtesy.

The First Anonymous said...

Uh, still waiting. Im officially enraged right now and will not back down until you say sorry.

Dont forget the tears either.

Toad734 said...

Does anyone know what we are talking about here?

Mark said...

hmmmmm...."all the major Japanese cars are now Hydrogen based." Didn't the Hindenburg use hydrogen?
Toad, I like you. I think you're funny and intelligent. But who are all these mean people?

Toad734 said...

RE: Mark

Would the Hindenburg have been safer if it had been filled with diesel or unleaded?

I am not responsible for anyones comments but my own, but unlike our FCC I do not believe in censorship and therefore refuse to delete unwelcomed comments.

Anonymous #1 said...

It was a joke. Feel free to delete my comments, as I feel that you can do whatever you wish with your own site.

But really, man, you said Nazi.

Boiled Owl said...

Yeah, delete me altogether if you want to Toad743.

Why should I and a couple of anonymous other fools be allowed to corrupt your awesome post with such idiotic banter? (...for fun, perhaps?)

My ribs hurt from laughing now. Gotta run.

Nölff said...

Nostradomas couldn't have done it better himself.

Jj said...

Hey Toad,

I don't know why some folks are giving you crap for your noncensorship approach. Personally, I think it's cool that you let everyone say what they want.

I do have to agree with Shady, the list is a little too one-sided, but good nonetheless.

If you had to, could you say one positive (with no negative undertones) thing about a Republican? The way I see it, neither party is perfect, and I definitely fall left of the fence, but when folks see one party or another as all bad, it can be hard to take them as credible. Since you do make good points, that would be a shame.

Thanks for the space for the free speech.

And... totally off topic - what was the name of the band you were in? Do you have an old website or anything?

Toad734 said...

Ya sure, Republicans themselves aren't all bad. It's the Neocons and the Fristians that have hijacked the party that I can't identify with. I am no Republican but I am not a Democrat either. Some of the things that the Republicans say about the Dems are true. But being an independent I see more fallacies with the modern mainstream Republicans than I do the Democrats, excluding perhaps Hillary and Kennedy.

The other thing I have a problem with is that both parties have started courting single issue voters; if you hate fags and love the Bible you vote Republican and if you hate guns and want personal freedoms you vote Democrat.

They used to be so much more than that.
The one thing I do like about most Republicans is they stray away from political correctness and put more emphasis on personal responsibility than the Democrats do. Some of that comes from protecting HMOs and big business from lawsuits and not caring about the individual, but if you spill coffee on yourself you have no one to blame but yourself.

And this administration blows plain and simple; if it were someone such as McCain in office I wouldn't even have a blog.

Jj said...

Thanks for the honest post :)

TheLoneAmigo said...

Hey, any links to the original? Should be good for a laugh. Or a scream of fear. Either way.

Garza said...

Both threads in regards to the future are one sided, but if we look at recent events, it is the liberal sided Supreme Court that has taken away yet another right we the people had.

Toad734 said...

RE: Garza

Would you be referring to the property seizure ruling? That’s big business all the way; you know free market capitalism; that's the conservative Republican coming out not the liberal Democrat.

And besides my list isn't how the future may very well be, my list is of the future that I see us heading towards now, and that future is not a place where liberalism can flourish. The church and state are one and the government has more power and the people have fewer rights than ever before. Sure we could elect a Democratic president next year, all the terrorists may die and someone may uncover a manuscript from the guy who wrote the Bible saying, "I lied, I made it all up" but we are on the same path as the Star Wars movies; little things happen that allow the government to restrict freedoms and gain power under the disguise of protection, eliminating the enemy and most ironically, to preserve freedom for a later date.

The house passing the flag burning act and the property seizure ruling seem small now but they open a lot of scary doors, one small step for the government, one giant leap towards tyranny, dictatorship and communism.

KentuckyShade said...

Hazard, Kentucky-Running water and electricity introduced. Locals baffled.

Aberrant Templar said...

‘ello Toad. I just wanted to comment on what Mark Maness said earlier about the Hindenburg.

Last week I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about an article I’d read in Popular Science on the development of hydrogen-based fuel cells. The whole concept makes me happy. As we were talking about it, our waitress rolled her eyes and made a sarcastic reference to the Hindenburg.

A couple days ago, a similar thing happened while we were out at a bar. Again, I was talking about hydrogen-based fuel cells and, again, someone mentioned the Hindenburg in a “we all know how THAT turned out” manner.

Now I’m reading your blog and yet another person compares hydrogen-based fuel cells to the Hindenburg. It would almost be funny, if so many people didn’t honestly believe there was an honest comparison here.

Hydrogen-based fuel cells are rather complicated little devices that use oxygen and hydrogen to produce electricity. You can find some basic information about them here -> (http://science.howstuffworks.com/fuel-cell.htm)

The Hindenburg, on the other hand, was a GIANT CLOTH SACK FILLED WITH HYDROGEN. It had a smoking room on board. A SMOKING ROOM! People smoked cigarettes underneath a giant cloth sack filled with hydrogen! On top of that, the entire ship was covered with a solution designed to waterproof the hull. The solution was made out of what was essentially rocket fuel.

So let’s go over this one more time:

Hydrogen-based fuel cell = Complex, relatively new piece of technology that uses hydrogen and oxygen to produce energy instead of gasoline and fire.

Hindenburg = A giant cloth sack, filled with hydrogen, supporting a structure (containing a smoking room) that was painted with rocket fuel.

I'm sorry. I had to get this off my chest. *sigh*

Boiled Owl said...

...templar, teriffic post.
I would love to borrow it from time to time, ok?

Teleute said...

lol! makes veryyy lil sense to a non-american!
;D

Toad734 said...

RE: Templar

Agreed, what gets me most about the comparison is that they act like we don’t already drive cars around with 20 Gallons of extremely flammable gas inside them; what’s the difference?
Better yet, look at nuclear submarines, How’s that for ridding around with a dangerous substance on board? Yet, they seem to be able to pull that off everyday.

By the way, what restaurant are you going to in which the waitresses engage in discussions about hydrogen any things?

Boiled Owl said...

Toad and Templar:

Methane is the gas most frequently in abundance at the restaurants we have out here. (But they do put lots of gravy on that sumbitch.)

"Blmpft.!" ('xcuse pleeze... sorry about that.)

Hey, I bet that's the first time anyone ever dropped a rose on Toad's blog, huh? (Damn I wish we had food here like they have in Chicago.)

Stupid Waitress said...

Just for the record, there are plenty of waitresses that can engage in intelligent conversation about a wide range of subjects. I used to be one of them.

Toad734 said...

RE Stupid Waitress

Thats not what I meant, I just meant that it seemed out of place for a waitress to roll their eyes and make a condesending comment to someone that was discussing hydrogen. I don't know how much I would tip someone who rolled their eyes at me.

"the" waitress said...

Gotcha. I agree. Rolling of the eyes by a waitress is never cool.

Aberrant Templar said...

Boiled Owl: Yes, please do. I would also recommend an "open-hand" smack as a chaser.

Toad: I was eating at a diner called the Eggplant. I've been there before, it's not usually a bad place to eat. Good fretatta

Good Lieutenant said...

Wow - You love and quote Nazis more than I hate them, so kudos! Keep up the mediocre work!

Toad734 said...

When did I ever quote a Nazi, or for that matter, use my words to compare them to anything. It was Ayatolla Bush of the future who compared Europe to the Nazis, blame him not me.

Two Minutes J said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Toad734 said...

Ya I forgot about the "microchips", they will sell them as "creditcards" first.