How to Not be Poor in the U.S.

The following are easy steps you can take in order to avoid poverty in the US:

1. Get a job- If single moms would just get off their asses, they would only have to work 60 hours per week at minimum wage to bring themselves and their 2 kids above the poverty line. Most should be able to find babysitters that will work 12 hour days at $2 per hour.

2. Be white- If you are not white, you will need to remedy that immediately, you may just have to work a little harder.

3. Don't be a child- Over 40% of the poor in the US are lazy children who won't work. Over 20% of the children in the US are living in poverty and are not doing anything to help themselves. The poverty rate for freeloading children is over 20% higher than any other group, that just goes to show how lazy they truly are.

4. Don't be a woman- Approximately 54% percent of female headed households with children under 6 are poor and therefore lazy. Over 70% of the worlds poor are lethargic females.

5. Move to the suburbs- The lowest occurrences of U.S. poverty is in the suburbs at approximately 9%. Under no circumstances should you live on an Indian Reservation or in Appalachia.

6. If you are going to be poor, don't do it in the United States- All of the worlds top 15 industrialized nations poor have a better standard of living than the poor in the US, that makes them socialist, and therefore evil. Poverty should not be rewarded!

7. Convince congress to make minimum wage increase at the same rate as CEO's pay- By doing this minimum wage would be over $20 per hour.

8. Be born rich- 8 out of the 15 richest people in the country inherited all their wealth. Therefore they are not lazy, and this is not just another form of welfare and they shouldn't be taxed because they deserve that money. After all they are the innovators who create jobs and we wouldn't want to tax someone who might hire low wage people to work for them. We can all agree Paris Hilton deserves all 30 million for being a bimbHO and doing nothing, but someone who works 50 hours a week for minimum wage should pay 20% of their $13k a year in taxes.

9. Be Bill Gates or get hit by his car while he is driving drunk- Bill Gates alone has more wealth than the bottom 40% of US income earners at 43 billion dollars.

10. Don't be a felon- Go back in time and don't do those stupid things that you got convicted of when you were 19 years old. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time...plus the years of job discrimination, shame and later depression that is sure to follow.

11. Go to college- It only cost around $40,000. After paying rent, baby sitters, food and car payments your mother should be able to save an extra $40 a week working minimum wage, as long as gas and utilities are free and you don't need shoes and or clothing. Or you could become 7 feet tall and learn to dunk a basketball.

12. Become a drug lord- This could be fast and easy cash, plus you probably won't have to save for retirement as you will either be dead or in jail.

13. Spend wisely- When you get your first paycheck don't spend it all on bling bling and spinning rims, instead spend it on $6,000 gold-laced shower curtains and a two million dollar birthday party for your wife.

14. Marry someone rich- This typically doesn't work for men as well as it does for women. If you are a white woman, NBA players will typically suffice.

15. Become an Evangelical TV preacher- If that is not possible, screwing old people out of their money in one of those mega-churches in the south should also be a sure fire way to get rich!

16. Get decapitated at McDonalds and then sue them- Or get injured in any other way that would appear to stem from negligence on someone else's part. This works in about any situation where someone has more money than you and you are too stupid to avoid getting disfigured by a cup of coffee.


Sources: US Census Bureau, UNICEF, National Poverty Center, Kidscanmakeadifference.org, Office for Social Justice