Sunday, June 19, 2005

How to Not be Poor in the U.S.

The following are easy steps you can take in order to avoid poverty in the US:

1. Get a job- If single moms would just get off their asses, they would only have to work 60 hours per week at minimum wage to bring themselves and their 2 kids above the poverty line. Most should be able to find babysitters that will work 12 hour days at $2 per hour.

2. Be white- If you are not white, you will need to remedy that immediately, you may just have to work a little harder.

3. Don't be a child- Over 40% of the poor in the US are lazy children who won't work. Over 20% of the children in the US are living in poverty and are not doing anything to help themselves. The poverty rate for freeloading children is over 20% higher than any other group, that just goes to show how lazy they truly are.

4. Don't be a woman- Approximately 54% percent of female headed households with children under 6 are poor and therefore lazy. Over 70% of the worlds poor are lethargic females.

5. Move to the suburbs- The lowest occurrences of U.S. poverty is in the suburbs at approximately 9%. Under no circumstances should you live on an Indian Reservation or in Appalachia.

6. If you are going to be poor, don't do it in the United States- All of the worlds top 15 industrialized nations poor have a better standard of living than the poor in the US, that makes them socialist, and therefore evil. Poverty should not be rewarded!

7. Convince congress to make minimum wage increase at the same rate as CEO's pay- By doing this minimum wage would be over $20 per hour.

8. Be born rich- 8 out of the 15 richest people in the country inherited all their wealth. Therefore they are not lazy, and this is not just another form of welfare and they shouldn't be taxed because they deserve that money. After all they are the innovators who create jobs and we wouldn't want to tax someone who might hire low wage people to work for them. We can all agree Paris Hilton deserves all 30 million for being a bimbHO and doing nothing, but someone who works 50 hours a week for minimum wage should pay 20% of their $13k a year in taxes.

9. Be Bill Gates or get hit by his car while he is driving drunk- Bill Gates alone has more wealth than the bottom 40% of US income earners at 43 billion dollars.

10. Don't be a felon- Go back in time and don't do those stupid things that you got convicted of when you were 19 years old. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time...plus the years of job discrimination, shame and later depression that is sure to follow.

11. Go to college- It only cost around $40,000. After paying rent, baby sitters, food and car payments your mother should be able to save an extra $40 a week working minimum wage, as long as gas and utilities are free and you don't need shoes and or clothing. Or you could become 7 feet tall and learn to dunk a basketball.

12. Become a drug lord- This could be fast and easy cash, plus you probably won't have to save for retirement as you will either be dead or in jail.

13. Spend wisely- When you get your first paycheck don't spend it all on bling bling and spinning rims, instead spend it on $6,000 gold-laced shower curtains and a two million dollar birthday party for your wife.

14. Marry someone rich- This typically doesn't work for men as well as it does for women. If you are a white woman, NBA players will typically suffice.

15. Become an Evangelical TV preacher- If that is not possible, screwing old people out of their money in one of those mega-churches in the south should also be a sure fire way to get rich!

16. Get decapitated at McDonalds and then sue them- Or get injured in any other way that would appear to stem from negligence on someone else's part. This works in about any situation where someone has more money than you and you are too stupid to avoid getting disfigured by a cup of coffee.


Sources: US Census Bureau, UNICEF, National Poverty Center, Kidscanmakeadifference.org, Office for Social Justice

34 comments:

BRUISER said...

How not to be poor in the USA:

Start a taxpayer subsidized clearing house for all things crap. Like Wal*Mart pay your workers an annual salary just below the margin of poverty and teach them to take from the welfare of the state as much as possible so your new mega-corporation doesn't have to pay for benefits for its legal and illegal workers.

All the while vote Republican and give campaign contributions to those Republicans who will keep the States in your pocket until you decide to leave town after desimating the entire economy of said town.

Sell those great jingoistic Chinese made goods like yellow ribbons, camoflage ribbons, and other craptastic products to show that you support sweatshops and forced abortions in Sai Pan and other American owned entities in the world...because if the Chinese can make it we can make it work cheaper...and Mr. Tom Delay will make sure that our employees don't get pregnant by providing abortions to its employees....thus making your GAP Clothing buying experience that much less of a hassle...

All In Favor of the Bottom line ....Say Aye....

KentuckyShade said...

Power Combo: Do a #14 and then get your spouse to do a #15.

Then your kids will be #8's.

I like to call this the trifecta.

Toad734 said...

RE: Kentucky
Then I guess that would make 5 and 11 that much easier.

United We Lay said...

You forgot: Don't be a teacher.

Toad734 said...

Well ya but that's just too obvious. That or any other civil servant for that matter

trick said...

Go out on the street corner and start offering sexual favors to passers-by. At $100 a pop, it will only take you 1.2 million tricks to be as rich as Bill Gates. If you want to get rich quick, raise your rates.

Toad734 said...

RE Trick

Thats it trick, you just have to set goals for yourself. No one wants to do hard work these days!

Neemund said...

Re Trick

But then you have to be midful of Toad's previous list: How not to get AIDS. And if anyone needs some help with #2, I'm sure Michael Jackson has some tips for you.

Covertor Of Thy Neighbor's Wife's Ass said...

Toad you forgot seducing an Urban Cougar (MILF) and taking her for all she took from her divorce with her previous Husband... just an option...

trick said...

I think that between my idea and Toad's previous list (how to not get AIDS), it's a sure-fire roadmap to riches and a long life.

Mark said...

You forgot- Be a minority and take advantage of all the affirmative action perks you can get! And don't forget to scream "discrimination" whenever you don't get exactly what you demand. That works like a charm.

Mark Wears A White Hood said...

Yeah be a minority yeehaw Bo!! who's got the truck??!?!?! All those white people in the trailor parks across the red states agree with Mark Manlittle ... except for the fact that they too live off the welfare of the state....Run,Ronnie,Run!!!!!

ps- Mark how is that summer book report on Mein Kampf coming along?

Toad734 said...

RE: Mark without the hood

Affirmative action is almost a thing of the past.

Please enlighten me as to how good minorities have it in the US, and how often a white man is fired in order to hire a less qualified black man. Actually those white men were probably replaced by a Mexican who does work twice as hard. And why shouldn’t he be, Mr. Capitalism Free Market?

Maybe you would like to see affirmative action for white people?? Ok then lets balance out the racial inequality in our states prisons; from now one any white person convicted of a crime will get mandatory sentencing and will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. We will also make sure that the police stop and pull over white people and search them for no reason at the same rate as they do for minorities. Fair is fair right? Oh and I almost forgot, we will apply the same level of racial representation on white peoples jury’s as we do for black people. You know how they always get a “Jury of their peers.” How would you like to be convicted of raping a black woman and have a jury of 8 black women, 2 black men and two white women?

Nölff said...

Americans blow money out the ass. Hummers with TV's and spinning rims. Gas is 2.15 a gal. Atleast the economy circulates fast enough.

BRUISER said...

White people in Jail......thats the funniest thing I ever heard ... Toad is funny somedays ...when he doesn't want to build walls around his homeland.

BRUISER said...

Where is gas 2.15 a gallon? thats cheap!!!!!!.....The Bush Laden's need to quit raping the American for their oil.

Garza said...

You all forgot the 50 year old tradition of inheriting your decendants social security checks and food stamps by not reporting them as being dead.

annush said...

This is fabulous!
I am so going to link to your site!

Sugar said...

No0bs!

BRUISER said...

wait...wait...wait... you have to report these things? uh-oh. Gotta Run.

Toad734 said...

By the way, the income welfare and social security checks generate still put you below the poverty line.

tugboatcapn said...

Then why have them in the first place?? If you are going to give out socialist security and welfare checks, then why not pay the recipients a couple hundred thousand dollars a year?? I mean, the money comes from the government...it's not like it comes from anyone's pocket or anything,right??
I am so sick of this arguement that I can't stand it.
The minorities my age got the same education that was offered to me. However, when it came time to go to college, there was a lot more aid and assistance available to them than to me.
If minorities would take advantage of the opportunities that are offered to them instead of constantly looking for excuses and crutches, they would be running things in America...

Toad734 said...

Re: TugCaptain

But these minorities went to shitty schools in the inner city which your parents fled during the 60s, 70s and 80s taking their tax revenue with them. Therefore as you got a good education in a good safe school with good teachers, smaller classes, no asbestos, and no cases of lead poisoning they were unable to keep up. And as businesses and people moved out of their neighborhoods, crime, unemployment and drugs became prevalent and a lot of them ended up with arrest records, and you can't get a scholarship with a felony. Not to mention, you probably never had to pay a dime for your education as your parents probably paid for it.

Besides, who said anything about minorities? I am talking about poverty; there are more poor white people in this country than any other group. If you don’t believe me drive through WV and TN some time.

Sandi said...

Is it to late to be the child of a billionare? Or should I have thought of that before I chose to be born to poor white trash parents?

Jj said...

Hey, back to that list... I like lucky # 7. That sort of change would rock!

And Toad, good argument re: minorities in schools, etc. You know your world.

Being a middle-class white girl, I do have student loans, but I don't think I should have had a special handout because I am white, or because some minority may have gotten one. Sheesh - the main problem with people these days is their inflated sense of self-entitlement. There are people of all races who abuse the welfare systems & there are just as many of each who truly benefit. Arguing in absolutes is ineffectual.

This beautiful nation of ours needs to start focussing on the needs of all of its people.

Bill Gates, Jr. said...

Be the child of conservative parents. You might not be rich but at least you'll inherit their conservative bootstraps-and-hard-work outlook. You'll be way ahead of the children of liberals with their welfare and give-me-a-handout mentality.

Even if you don't get rich, you'll have pride in the fact that you clawed your way up as high as you could with no handouts or unfair advantages.

Jj said...

Hmmm, and a fairly limited, one-track mind, it would seem...

Like the Exorcist, But more breakdancing.... said...

Here, Here!!!

jj !!!!


The myopic nerve of some people.

CHIMPEACHMENT 2006...oops sorry couldn't help it.

Toad734 said...

RE: Bill Gates JR

I don't think conservative parents has anything to do with it, and from my experience it's just the opposite. Who are the people who abuse workers comp? How many liberals even have a job that would have workmans comp? How many liberals are on welfare? When I drive through WV and TN (conservative states) and I see all these poor people, I don't see them wearing "No War for Oil" shirts.

Toad734 said...

Being born to white trash parents is a bad move, I would advise against it if you wanted to refrain from being poor in the future.

THE NORTH WILL WIN AGAIN said...

...but white trash have the best deer jerky anywhere not to mention goat fries....


EAT MORE POSSUM!!!

Jack Mercer said...

America doesn't have poor people. Travel the world and you'll come to the same conclusion

-Jack

Oh, WV and TN conservative? Al Gore and Robert KKK Byrd's states?

Toad734 said...

Go to KY,TN and WV and I will show you both poor and conservative.

Ever been on an Indian Reservation?

No money, no running water, no plumbing, no shoes, malnourished...
What does it take to be poor?

People in Tijuana have it better than a lot of people on reservations and in Appalachia.

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