Wednesday, June 15, 2005

How to Not Get AIDS

mtvnews 6/14:
U.S. HIV Cases Pass 1 Million Mark For First Time Since '80s

Original Story

Yes the most avoidable disease in the western world is making a comeback and the number of people living with AIDS is on the rise in the U.S., up 25% from the previous years report, per a December 2003 study. Three quarters of the people in the U.S. with AIDS are men and 25% of the people with AIDS don't even know they have the disease.

The biggest increases of infections were among black men and men who have sex with other men. Yes, even after all the bad jokes and all the church mongers blaming the gay community for AIDS there was a 47% increase in infections for gay men.

In case you are unaware as to how AIDS is contracted I am going to provide you with my plan of how not to get AIDS. I am not saying my plan is 100% effective but it has kept me AIDSless for the past 31 years so I must be doing something right, and I am willing to share this gem of knowledge with the rest of you for the low low price of free.

How not to get AIDS:

Don't have sex, stay home and jerk off to skinamax half porn, or get a blow up doll.

Don't have sex with someone who has AIDS, even with a condom.

Don't have sex with someone who is bleeding out of their ass.

If you must have sex with someone, use a condom.

Don't have sex with people you don't know or just met in a mens room, George Michael included.

If you know of someone who has had sex with an AIDS victim, do not have sex with that person.

If you shun condoms because you "dont like the way the feel", ask yourself how a big dose of AIDS would feel .

If you want to have a good (long) sex life, find a committed partner that you can trust that has had an AIDS test.

Don't tag team some other guy's ass with a bunch of leather dudes you just met at a bar.

Don't have sex with someone who has ever been tag teamed.

Don't believe people when they tell you they don't have AIDS.

Don't frequent glory holes, either side.

Don't blow heroin addicts or crack heads in alleys.

Don't share needles with heroin addicts, more specifically, heroin addicts with AIDS.

Don't have sex with prostitutes, or a junkie prostitute with a bad itch.

If you are African, having sex with a virgin does not cure AIDS, it spreads it.

Dont' become "blood brothers" with someone who has AIDS

Males can also contract AIDS from a woman.

Don't let herpes victims with open sores on their mouth give you a blow job, as these people tend to not be as careful and selective as someone such as me and may also have AIDS, though I will not blow you.

Don't let anyone cum on any open sores, cuts or orifices.

Do not become, or have sex with a porn star, more specifically a gay porn star that has violated my other rules.

If you do any of the above, get an AIDS test every week.

If you are a gay basher, don't make your victims bleed as the flailing blood may stain your Ted Nugent shirt, infect you and later, your fat girlfriend who lives with you in your double-wide.

If you are an NBA player, don't nail every white woman between L.A. and Boston that is trying to get knocked up by someone rich and famous.

If you are a Catholic priest, condoms are evil, fuck little boys who couldn't possibly have AIDS yet.

If you are an altar boy, don't hang out with priests alone.

If you are Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell, don't mock God, he will punish you with AIDS.

If you're Bill Frist, a medical doctor and US Senator, don't let anyone sweat or spit on you.

If you are Tom Delay, rules obviously don't apply to you, feel free to do all the above.

P.S. These tips may also be effective in not getting knocked up when you are 14 years old.


United We Lay said...

Great list, if not enitrely accurate!

Nölff said...


karen said...

A very comprehensive list, well done.

Sandi said...

I have a friend that is so stupid it embarasses me. He is 42 years old and despite the number of times, and amount of reading material, I have given him over the years. He still believes a person can get AIDS from a bug bite.
Very sad, to have people that stupid in the world. Even worse, I know this one. LOL

trick said...

That is seriously hardcore, Toad. I'm suprised you don't have more angry comments here.

As a side note - part of the reason for the increase in the number of people liveing with HIV/AIDS is the improvements in treatment in recent years. It's not just that there are more people contracting the disease. I would be curious to know how many more people are actually becoming infected.

Toad734 said...

Both are true, however nothing that I have said on this post is wrong. And if you followed those guidelines, you would not get AIDS. And maybe some of this is misleading, but the 47% increase was of new infections.

The other statistic that I didn't include is that the number of people getting tested has decreased over the last few years from 34% in 1998 to just 12% in 2002. What that says to me is that not only are new infections and people living with AIDS on the rise but the concern about getting the disease is on the decline.

They say the best weapon against AIDS is education; I am here to educate the people who need it.

Anyone who tries my plan will get a full refund if they contract AIDS while participating in my program.

Hate mail to ensue.

Jack Mercer said...

Thanks for stopping by the blog to comment!



shadylayne said...

You forgot to mention that if you are a girl, giving blow jobs will not make you popular. Oh wait, that did work for Paris Hilton.

Toad734 said...

...only if it made you as rich as her.

United We Lay said...

This is a serious issue, though. One of the reasons this is happening is because Christians are pushing absitnace only education. We need to look at all of the serious issues religion is supporting in our country. This is going to be a seious health care crisis soon, and someone is going to have to pay. If what people are being taught about sex and contraception is contributing to that, it's really something we need to discuss.

Sandi said...

It is my personal belief that all private and public schools in this country should be required to give a comprehensive sexual disease class, starting in fourth grade. I am talking about the kinds of classes that show the really graphic pictures and have great classroom assignments.
Yes for all the "Oh, my God" people, the schools can make them seperate into males and females for these classes.
The classes themselves should be inclusive of all STD's with emphasis on the ones that won't go away with a shot of penicillin.

Yes, I know I am dreaming. This will never happen in this country, mainly because too many christian people think sex is dirty, and never to be discussed.

Jack Mercer said...

I think its all Bush's fault!

Toad734 said...

RE: Sandy

Yes, as demonstrated by this post, it is rather easy to avoid AIDS and pregnancy, but you have to know how to do it in order to avoid it; obviously people are not scared of the consequences.

The Fly said...

Outstanding list, Toad. You've made my "On Probation" list.

KentuckyShade said...

Also on the list should be:

Don't do anything that will get you thrown in federal pound-you-in-the-ass-prison.

Because that is a great way to get AIDS, as well.

Toad734 said...

Oh ya theres that

indygirl said...

I will dedicate my next sexual act to you and your list. Thanks.

BRUISER said...

Jack Mercer said he thinks its all Bush's fault...well Jack you are somewaht correct...

Bush pulled 219 million into faith based abstinence only education...where sex apparently does not exist. So what they fail to teach in schools about the actual sexual process, they fail by an even larger margin to teach the new youth about sexually transmitted diseases. Its sad because this can be prevented and not by the inherent ignorance wrought by the Reichwing administration teaching abstinence only education.

As a person who has seen the effects of Aids on a loved one I can attest that AIDS EDUCATION would, could, and should save lives. Watching a cousin die, very slowly, in 1992 of HIV/ AIDS he contracted in the mid 80's without his knowledge for several years was an awakening experience. Imagine what research we could have if Reagan had taken this topic head on and put his money where his Star Wars Program was.

I think we owe America's youth something better than Abstinence Only Education, War Dead, War Debt, and the onslaught of HIV/AIDS deaths that are all preventable tragedies.

Boiled Owl said...

Hey xo-indy, is your icon a painting by Chaim Soutine? Or did you paint it? Nice art.

Donna said...

Hey Toad,
you're missing "don't be a kid in foster care in NYC." AIDS drugs testing last decade was less than ethical and by some accounts led to not a small number of cases, especially in kids. Nice, eh?

And another "if you live in Africa" warning: "watch the experimental vaccines the WHO is so eager to save you with." Those damn things are infected with all sorts of crap and way back in the 1950s, HIV was part of the cocktail.

(I know...people will challenge this. You gotta see the investigative documentary that was broadcast on CBC Nature of Things to believe it...sadly, I forget the name of the doc.)

United We Lay said...

Not challenging, rose, I agree. There are a lot of things people don't pay attention to.

jag said...

While I have never blown a crack head in an alley and have always avoided bleeding asses, I am relieved to know that I am about to marry a disease free man, and have made it this far without catching anything or bearing a child or ten. My new worry is how to tell my future children to do the same. Perhaps this list should be posted for teenagers. Since lectures don't work, maybe a little realistic sarcasm would and perhaps the underlying message will get through.

Toad734 said...

How else would you reach a teenager? Send in some old doctor putting a condom on a cucumber?

Dem0critus said...

If you are a Catholic priest, condoms are evil, fuck little boys who couldn't possibly have AIDS yet.

You should add that if you are a Catholic little boy, stear clear of priests.

Toad734 said...

Youre right, Im adding it, dont sue me