Monday, August 29, 2005

An Open Letter to the People of Indiana

Although I guess I have known this for years my two recent trips to Indiana have led me to believe that they must have done away with their traffic laws. They still have speed limit signs but apparently highway etiquette is beneath them. So for the last time:

The left lane is a passing lane; if you are not passing someone, drive in the right lane.

The left lane is also known as the fast lane; if you are driving slow, or slower than the guy behind you then you need to move into the slow lane, AKA the right lane.

You don't have to try to fight everyone who honks at you or flashes their brights at you trying to get you to move out of the way; you do not own I-65.

When a bigger faster vehicle comes up behind you at a high rate of speed the laws of physics argues that you should move out of the way, not slam on your breaks.

I know it is hard to see out of your rear view mirror with the gun rack hanging in your back window but try using your side view mirrors from time to time if you haven't already knocked them off during your last DUI.

Yes I know there is a speed limit law but I may choose not to obey it and pay the appropriate fines if I am caught.

Just because you think 75 is "fast enough" doesn't mean that I do. Maybe I think you are stupid enough to run off the road.

Just because you think I am driving dangerously doesn't make it any more so than you being a 95 year old blind lady who can't see over the dashboard.

It is not your job to enforce the speed limit. I don't try to pull you over for driving a car that is not safe for highway travel or for not wearing a shirt in public, or your violation of open container laws now do I?

No, being so obese that you exceed the cars weight limit is not an excuse for driving slow in the fast lane.

Just because you have an old car/truck from the early 80's that is spewing black smoke from the back that would make Spy Hunter jealous, doesn't mean that you are exempt from the law due to having a car that is not capable of traveling at those speeds. My advice would be to get a new car or drive on the back-roads where your home is parked.

Apparently NRA, W, and number 8 stickers slow down your vehicle immensely; do not put one of these stickers on your car. Other observations have led me to believe that mustaches have the same affect on vehicle speed.

It's not a race; when I am forced to pass you in the right lane that doesn't mean I want to race so don't bother speeding up while I am trying to get by.

So pretty please, with a cherry on top; get the fuck out of my way!

29 comments:

Nölff said...

I feel thwe same way about Louisiana. Perhaps it's something about states that end with ..ana.

indygirl said...

However it has been proven that having a peeing-Calvin sticker does help with fuel efficiency.

Son of Lilith said...

And don't forget mullets. Mullets slow you down as well.

Nölff said...

yes... Aerodynamics

trick said...

When I was younger, I realized that it is my job in life to teach other people on the road a lesson about how they should drive. My biggest problem was people driving slow in the left lane when they weren't passing. I was young though and didn't have a good lesson plan to teach these people. I thought that they would eventually get the point if I just rode their bumpers, flashed my lights, and honked the horn long enough. But again, I was young and naive and Indiana is full of dumbass hicks that shouldn't be driving and instead should be riding the short bus. Now I am older and wiser. With the benefit of having some teaching experience, I now realize the importance of a good lesson plan. I am going to start carrying a big stack of large flash cards and a sharpie in the car with me so I can hold up a sign while passing these people to let them know the error of their ways and suggest how they might improve their driving. Now I just need to figure out some specific points to share with these poor, uneducated folks who seem to be completely ignorant of proper driving techniques and etiquette. Suggestions anyone?

Anonymous said...

I heard Katrina voted for Bush.

Anonymous said...

There is no law that states which lane should be fast and which one should be slow. However, there is a law that dictates how fast you should drive in any and all lanes. Drive the fucking speed limit! Get your ass out of bed 15 minutes earlier and DRIVE THE FUCKING SPEED LIMIT, ASSHOLE. Nothing creates road rage, stress and accidents more than assholes who think they can drive as fast as they want.

Toad734 said...

RE: Anonymous

If you had ever taken a driving test you would know that the left lane is for passing. See this is what I am talking about; people simply do not know how to drive but think they do.

Anonymous said...

Passing ... not speeding. Very, very different. "Passing" does not inherently mean driving over the posted speed limit. That's why there is a minimum speed as well, usually 40 on most interstates. So you're advocating breaking the speeding law, while chewing out others for inconveniencing you. Hypocrite. As I said, get your ass out of bed and quit tailgaiting. We're glamorizing speeding, and it's killing people. Slow down, inhale, put some tunes on, turn your cell phone off and enjoy a nice leisurely drive. I guarantee it will add 3-5 years to your lifespan.

Toad734 said...

Ok then lets talk about passing, the same rules apply; if someone is trying to pass a semi but you are putting along in the left lane you have to get out of the way.
Either way it is inconsiderate to be in the left lane if you are not passing, especially when you are going under or right at the speed limit.

Anonymous said...

I know, was just playing devil's advocate to stir up some shit. But I do think we need some happy medium, and we need to find a way to glamorize slowing the fuck down, because the interstate really is creating too much stress and far too many accidents. I quit speeding years ago because it was really fucking with me, and causing me to smoke way too many cigarettes. Ever since I've started driving the speed limit and typically staying in the middle lane (when there are 3 lanes), I've been much happier, and often get a kick out of people weaving in and out and around me with purple faces and middle fingers.
Really, if you think about it, the left lane should specifically be for drunk drivers so that it's easier for the cops to pull them over.
Love your blog by the way!

United We Lay said...

The people in FL could use this advice as well.

Esther said...

soooo, u were in the faster car ? ;)

Tom Harper said...

Great rant! There’s another thing some assholes do that makes the problem even worse. You’re driving along in the left lane, going as fast as you want, and suddenly a car from the next lane darts out in front of you, going about 20 mph slower than you were going. And there you are, stuck behind this oblivious asshole who couldn’t just wait two seconds to change lanes. They don’t make high beams bright enough for oblivious dimwits like that.

George W. Bush said...

So are you guys for or against driving drunk in the right lane?

Neemund said...

Well there are drunk driving laws but some may choose not to obey them and pay the appropriate penalties if caught. If they crash and die they've probably made the entire human races better by removing themselves from the gene pool.

trick said...

the problem is that the drunk drivers normally kill someone else.

Anonymous said...

Many mornings I end up driving to work along this angry white male mark mcgwire goatee wearing road raged hoozier. He drives a big ass black pick up truck with a 105.7 The Point sticker on the left side of his back window and a KSHE 95 sticker over on the right side. He constantly rides the bumper of cars and swerves between lanes trying to move up one or two spots. I almost got a picture of him today with my cellphone but I just missed him flying by. I'm going to capture his digital hoozier arse and post it for the world to see.

Grant said...

Dave Barry once suggested that the state's speed limit should be set according to how much scenic beauty is available. For an example he recommended a minimum of 135 in Indiana.

I was once pulled over in Kentucky for staying in the left lane. At 105 I was passing everybody, but the trooper informed me I was only allowed to hop in the left lane when the right was blocked by some idiot driving the speed limit. He seemed more concerned about the lane than my velocity. While writing my ticket, he waved over another car driving by in the fast lane. He handed me my ticket, shook his head, and said "Gonna be one of those days."

Interesting note - in Florida, it's illegal to drive past a cop in the lane next to his stopped vehicle if you're doing more than thirty-five, so the other person in Kentucky was showing proper FL etiquette.

indygirl said...

Are all of your readers from Indiana Toad? I never knew.

Toad734 said...

Grant makes a good point; someone earlier said I should drive the speed limit and enjoy the drive; the only senic things in Indiana are smoke stacks and grain silos.

GEORGE W BUSH said...

I was not asking if you condoned drunk driving I just thought the strategerrry of the right lane was better while I drank. I should take over Indiana if its got all them smoke stack thinga- majiggy's that must mean theres oil there somewhere...now where did I leave Karl....? KARL...? KARL? WHERE ARE YOU KARL? ...DADDY!!!!

S. Layne said...

Anonymous is clearly from St. Louis seeing as how he mentioned both Mark McGuire and KSHE 95. Therefore, the term "hoosier" as he uses it, refers not to someone from Indiana, but rather dumb white trash. oh, wait...

Kathy Schrenk said...

The real question here is, what the hell were doing in Indiana?!?

Toad734 said...

Well, I was on my way to Tennessee and my parents live in Indy so...

Two Minutes J said...

Now as your brother, I am inclined to say you're right. Because after all, we're always right. And you are to a certain extent on this one. But what? There are no rednecks in Illinois? Come on man. Drive out of the city a little bit and you'll see them. They're like cockroaches. And they're the same everywhere.

P.S. THIS JUST IN!!!: Bush claims Hurricane Katrina was actually a terrorist attack imposed upon us by the Iranian Taliban! So, as of tomorrow we're going to bomb Iran, public approval is at *90%.

*(just a reminder, rednecks are everywhere)

Two Minutes J said...

By the way, as you know, which many of your readers may not know, is that I too am from Indiana. I still live here, In Indianapolis. Granted, there is white trash here, and rednecks. But as I mentioned earlier, they are everywhere in the U.S. However, here is something you don't have in Chicago: Lower cost of living. Lets just say that I make $32,500 a year. Also, envision: I live a comfortable life, have material shit and all that jazz. Now if I lived in Chicago and wanted the same quality of life I would need to make $65,000 a year. And that doesn't include cigarettes. They're $3.10 for my brand here, what are they there now, $5.50? And yea yea yea, I know. Usually cities with higher costs of living pay more in their work. But usually not $30,000 more...In summation, Indianapolis in itself is not a bad place to live. Yes we have bad drivers, but they're everywhere. So my two points are this, Number 1: We need some nationwide Bad Driver Gestapos on the prowl. And 2: I would rather be comfortable with the salary I earn (until I get a college degree maybe) than to live in poverty in "A City with no rednecks".

Mushroomhead and Wolfboy said...

i dare u to go to new york or LA, or go to india (where i was born) over there are 2 lanes, 1 for hiding beind trucks going in the same direction and the other one is for speeding ahead at a oncomming truck, think frogger but in real life, its not as fun trust me

K-nine said...

Hiya Toad. Saw you posted some comments on my blog and thought I would check you out. Interesting.

I did notice you were nicer to me than SondraK. I'll reply after some digesting and thought. (I did like the Wal-mart thing)

on to the subject at hand...

I35 through Austin TX (MOPAC expressway too)

3 lanes of traffic are there so cars can go different speeds. How did you all get beside each other if you're going the same speed?

Stop drinking your soy latte and talking on the cell phone all while driving.

Do anti-Bush/insult-bearing/John Kerry bumper stickers make your Prius and/or Mini Cooper impervious to me driving over you in my Jeep? If not stop cutting me off.

Are you completely blinded by your tiedyed Che Guevara t-shirt? If not, stop pulling out in front of me.

I know it's tough to see with your eyes watering due to the petchulli stink filling your car, but the turn signal means I want to get over, or off the highway.

I think your ponytail is causing serious drag coefficent on your car. I would suggest cutting it off, but it seems to be all the hair you have left.

If you are driving like a jackass, and have a peta sticker on your car, I will feel justified in throwing chicken McNuggets at you on the freeway. (if I have the top off.)

Just for the record, I read a lot of your stuff. On an old posting was a Republican test... I hit 72%... so you can stop worrying. Ilegitimus non Corborundum est.