Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The American Bible Challenge

So I was flipping through channels the other day and landed on a show called The American Bible Challenge hosted by Jeff Foxworthy...I suppose you couldn't have a show called the American Bible Challenge if the host didn't have a southern accent nor could you have that show hosted by another Comedian such as Ricky Gervais or Jim Norton so assuming Larry the Cable Guy was busy, Foxworthy was probably the next best thing....Apparently Kirk Cameron just isn't funny enough...To Bible thumpers...He's plenty hilarious in my book.

The show was set up similar to Who Wants to be A Millionaire where there were three teams, a group of nuns, a group from a southern black church and then a bunch of tattoo artists who cover up gang tattoos with Jesus crosses...Because if the Bible has been clear about one thing, it is how much it supports people getting tattoos of Jesus which is why you see the Michelle Bachmanns, Rick Santorums and Mitt Romneys of the world all with Jesus tattoos on their necks.

Anyway, I thought the questions were a bit too easy for the contestants and really didn't get to some of the real hard questions and or contradictions present in the scripture so I created my own slew of questions that I think should be presented on the next episode:

1. Jesus' last words were:
A. Father, unto thy hands I commend my spirit
B. It is finished
C. My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?
D. All the above depending on which gospel you are reading

2. Judas committed suicide how:
A. By falling on his sword                                
B. By hanging himself
C. All the above depending on which book of the New Testament you are reading

3. In which Gospels is the miracle birth of Jesus completely omitted:
A. Mark and John                                           
B. Matthew and Luke
C. All of them including Pauline Epistles
D. None, they all discuss it you heretic!

4. Who has gone to Heaven:
A. Elijah, in a whirlwind                                     
B. No one except the Son of Man, Jesus
C. Enoch                                                           
D. According to the Bible, all the above

5. According to the all perfect Jesus, how should you pray:
A. Let your light shine before men, that they see your good deeds and praise your father in Heaven
B. Be careful not to do your acts of righteousness before men, to be seen by them
C. All the above depending on which chapter of Matthew you are reading

6. After the flood, what did Noah do:
A. Return the Komodo Dragon to Indonesia 
B. Return the Kangaroo to Australia
C. Return the Alpaca to South America        
D. Plant a vineyard and get wasted

7. Who has seen God:
A. Jacob                                                         
B. No man has seen God and lived
C. Moses, Aaron, Nadab and Abihu             
D. According to the Bible, all the above are correct

8. According to the books Matthew, Revelations and Isaiah, what shape is the Earth:
A. Round                                                       
B. Flat and square
C. Oblate spheroid                                        
D. Spherical

9. According to Leviticus, what is NOT an abomination:
A. Eating shellfish                                         
B. Eating bald eagles
C. Woman on Woman homosexuality          
D. Man on Man homosexuality

10. Jesus personally speaks out against which of these issues:
A. Homosexuality                                       
B. Drinking wine
C. Wealth / Greed                                           
D. Obamacare

11. Which did God create first:
A. Man                                                       
B. Animals
C. Both/Either, depending on which chapter of Genesis you are reading

12. "thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women."," because he loved him as his own soul" These verses explain the relationship between whom:
A. Judas and Jesus                                     
B. Lot and his daughters
C. Jonathan and David                              
D. Adam and Steve

13. Which two Gospels were simply based on the original writings in the book of Mark:
A. Matthew, Luke                                     
B. Luke, John
C. Matthew, John                                      
D. Thomas, Joseph Smith 

14. According to Leviticus, bats are what:
A. Birds                                                   
B. Mamals
C. Dinosaurs                                            
D. Insects

15. According to the Bible, how is the Earth suspended in space:
A. On Atlas' shoulders                           
B. Pillars
C. By God's Son                                       
D. The gravity of the Sun

15. B
14. A
13. A
12. C
11. C
10. C
9. C
8. B
7. D
6. D
5. C
4. D
3. A
2. C
1. D

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