Monday, December 11, 2006

Homosexuality is a Sin...If you are an Orthodox Jew

This will be the second chain letter I am posting on my site. This one is right along the lines with what I have always argued when it comes to people picking and choosing which part of the Bible they are going to take literally and which parts they are going to ignore. The people who beat queers and speak out against gay marriage say that they are against it only because of God. They say, since it's addressed in the Bible, it's God's law. The first problem with that is obviously we don't live in the United States of God nor do we live in the United States of Jesus so their laws really don't apply to a secular nation with its own form of government and laws. We do not live in a fascist religious state such as Iran or Saudi Arabia. Anyway, the only parts of the Bible which refers to homosexuality are in the Old Testament (Including the affair between David and Jonathan). Christians do not go to Church on Saturdays and they don't follow many other old laws that were addressed in the Old Testament; they are Christians and follow the teachings of Christ who brought the new laws and taught Christianity in the texts of the New Testament. The New Testament is the book which Christianity is founded upon.

Anyway, although I have made many of these points in the past it's nice to see that I am not the only person in this country who has actually read the Bible and can think for myself. If you are a Christian and think you are doing God's work when attacking homosexuality, you need to read this letter. So, here is the chain letter as I received it:


Dr. Laura and Leviticus

Laura Schlesinger is a US radio personality, who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. She recently said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstances. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.

Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,
Homer Simpson-Caldwell

3 comments:

katie schwartz said...

I have read that toady. love it! so funny. you know what else you would appreciate, steve martin's studio notes on passion of the christ. check it out! http://www.showbiznotes.com/showbiznotes/2006/04/notes_from_the_imaginary_execu_1.php

katie schwartz said...

I tagged you. don't hate me.

http://katieschwartz.blogspot.com/2006/12/6-weird-things-you-dont-know-about-me.html

your judgemental aunt said...

soooooo. Funny.