Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Tired of Sex in the Media? Stop Reading the Bible!

The next time you hear someone bitch about condoms being advertised on MTV or some shitty Fox show called "Who Wants to Bang My Dad" and they talk about how things like this should be censored, remind them that if they want to start censoring sexual innuendos out of the media they can't pick and choose what they censor and must censor every thing.

I would like to remind people that the Bible contains as much sex, much more violence and displays more intolerance than most Hollywood blockbusters and nearly all network television shows and even rap music. When I speak of sex, violence, disrespect of women and praises to God, am I talking about a rap video or the Bible?

At least TV shows only imply that someone is about to have pre-marital sex, they don't actually show it or describe the fluids which were transferred. Yes, maybe some network shows don't teach children that they should hate gay people and some of them even depict gay people as people but it's nothing the Bible hasn't already described. Some TV shows depict unfaithful spouses screwing their neighbors but neither of the latter are anything that was new to someone in the Bible such as David.

I have compiled a list of sexual encounters and innuendos in the Bible which, if on TV, most Christians today would like to see banned and censored.

Genesis 38:9 But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother.

When was the last time fluid transfer was visualized on MTV?

II Samuel 11:2 One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, 3 and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, "Isn't this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite?" 4 Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her. (She had purified herself from her uncleanness.) Then [a] she went back home.

Makes Desperate Housewives not seem so desperate anymore doesn't it? And before you say David was punished for this by the death of his son, I want to point out that Solomon was also his son and ruled Israel and it was his descendents that later spawned Jesus. That sounds more like a reward than a punishment.

Genesis 19:4 Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house. 5 They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them."

Maybe this would work on prime time but I haven't seen it yet.

Genesis 19:8 Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them.

If a book or a show came out today that depicted a father offering his daughters to a horny mob there would be an outrage and American Family Association would be in the streets burning TV guides and calling for boycotts.

Genesis 19:33 that night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. 34 The next day the older daughter said to the younger, "Last night I lay with my father. Let's get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father." 35 So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went and lay with him.

When incest is the subject of the new episode of the OC I will shut up and go home.

Leviticus 15:1 The LORD said to Moses and Aaron, 2 "Speak to the Israelites and say to them: 'When any man has a bodily discharge, the discharge is unclean. 3 Whether it continues flowing from his body or is blocked, it will make him unclean.

Cum play? Are you kidding? That isn't even on the Playboy channel.

I Samuel 18:4: And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.

Ok, so now we are getting into Alexander and Broke Back territory.

1 Samuel 18:21: Saul thought, "Let me give her to him, that she may be a snare for him, and that the hand of the Philistines may be against him." Therefore Saul said to David a second time, "You shall now be my son-in-law."

So, not only is David a polygamist but one of the people he is married to is a man and is now marrying that mans sister. You couldn't find this scenario on the Jerry Springer show if you watched it for 2 years straight.

II Samuel 1:26: I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathon: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.

I have already addressed this; David loved Jonathon more than his own wife, which just happened to be Jonathan’s sister. Kinky.

II Samuel 13:12 And she (Tamar) answered him (Absalom), Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly.
13 And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? And as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, I pray thee, speak unto the king; for he will not withhold me from thee. 14 Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.

Ok, some R rated movies show rape but other than that you won’t find it on an episode of the Simpson’s.

Imagine what I could find if I referenced all the bigotry, hate, racism, sexism and violence in the Bible.


Mike V. said...

why do I have a feeling that Dani Faye Bakker might chime in, here? :P

michael the tubthumper said...

well said!

shakespeare would have to go as well - that is all sex and death

Anonymous said...

Like I said before its
All in the bible if
you want it to be.
No one
ever said that these stories presented
In the bible were not be
Squandered by oppurtunistic
dicks every chance the got.
although it may be
in the way people
negotiate their half-truths with
god and are willing to
Deny the failability of their deity.
everyone should know that
not everyone believes
nobility & values come from a
irrational piece of fiction called the bible.
so yes everything you look for could be in the bible if

you want it to be... but many socalled true believers deny many of the actual prose of the piece. My two cents..

BRUISER said...

Hey Toad-

You told me about this post and I never really read the bible because I felt there were far too many books that were to come before It on my list. Okay its not really on my list to read. Oh okay I don't really have a list. ummm... I don't really read fiction all that often. If I did it would be Practical Demonkeeping by Chris Moore. Hardly Saddam & Gamera. That was a story in there right?

ps- NightWatch that Ruskie Sci-Fi flick was pretty good. For Commies.

Grant said...

And yet when they make a biblical movie (e.g. King of Kings) they tend to leave all the good parts out. Note - that doesn't refer to TPotC, which I call the Holy Snuff Flick. That one suffered from a lack of plot and an ending you could see coming a mile away.

Dani said...

Glad to see that you are reading your Bible, Toad!

Interesting stuff isn't it?

Toad734 said...

What is most interesting is how the Bibles followers rarely follow what is written in the Bible and tend to make it up for themselves. It's also interesting how these followers pick and choose what they retain.

erinberry said...


Unitari said...

good observation. But I think deviation from bible is a positive thing. usually "personal interpretations" are much more mellow than the actual thing. as we can see in the koran as well. I think in 21st century humanity would have been worse off if people stuck to these books, (no matter how practical they were 2000 years ago).

None333333 said...

Dear Bitter NaySayers,

You missed the best story of all, which is Tamar. After Onan dropped dead for not giving her a child (ie fulfilling his legal obligation), Tamar took matters into her own hands and disguised herself as a prostitute to lure her father in law, Judah, into sleeping with her (not having a kids in those days was really horrible and her husband was dead).
When Judah found out Tamar was pregnant he demanded that she be stoned, at which point she whipped out an item of his he'd left after their encounter. He shut up. The resultant child was a descendant of Jesus.

What you bitter naysayers don't realize is that the Bible contains stories of peoples lives, including their screw-ups, some of which were massive. Those stories are for us to learn from, not an endorsement of their behavior.

If I want hatred and bigotry all I have to do is read the latest diatribe against Christians by the latest self-styled intellectual du jour. I find the Bible much more entertaining than these vain long winded nayings.

Have a great day!

Anonymous said...

Wow diatribes against Christians ...sounds like the Diatribes against gays we hear daily from the Christian thinks..hmmmmmm?!?

Toad734 said...

Bunny Lover:

What the American Family Association and groups like the PMRC don't understand that the stories in movies and song lyrics aren't an endorsement either; they are just stories yet they try to censor them but not the violent sex stories from the Bible. It is just a bit of a double standard. And don't tell me that the destruction of Jericho and other violent acts aren't glorified by Christians; you have songs and hymns about them.

Dani said...

Great Comment Bunny Lover!

Toad - The difference is, no one reads anymore, especially the Bible because they are all completely dumbed down from absorbing their morals and values from MTV and cable television where sexual perversions are glorified.

But, who really cares anyway?

Besides - The Bible is just an 'irrational piece of fiction' full of sex, violence, crime and most importantly, God's wrath and judgment!

It's still a great story! And if you keep reading...there is even a happy ending - At least for us there is!

Toad734 said...

A happy ending? Are you sure we are talking about the same Bible? 7 headed dragons and a firey end of the world doesn't sound very happy to me.

erinberry said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
erinberry said...

Dani, I find it interesting that you're in an interracial relationship, if I'm making a correct assumption from your photo. You do know that people used (and some still use) the Bible to condemn interracial relationships, right? Just like you condemn gays?

And your blog asked whether "the other side" thinks you are willfully ignorant. Answer: ABSOLUTELY.

Your pro-gun, pro-death penalty stances aren't very Christ-like, now, are they? (Who would Jesus bomb?)

Pick and choose, pick and choose, fundamentalist crazies pick and choose.

As I say on my blog, Jesus was not a Republican.

Dani said...

Toad: I said that the Bible has a happy ending for Christians – You definitely should be scared as hell!

Erinberry: Wow - Bit of a shallow observation, don’t you think? For your information, my husband is an American who was born in Hawaii. But, the color of our skin does not make us different - We are ALL descendants of Adam, created male and female. Sexual orientation should not be perverted.

Since you do not know who Jesus is, it is fairly irresponsible for you to make such judgments about Him.
FYI - This is what the Bible says about America's Criminal Code

Finally, I am not a Republican either. And I’m no fan of Bush! Browse around my blog for more than five seconds and you'll be surprised at what you find.

Oh and Toady - I'm kinda hurt that you haven't put me on your sh*t list by now. Afterall, I am just a harmless, boring old Christian wife and mother with radical beliefs and values. Right?

Mike V. said...

We are most certainly NOT all descendents of Adam.
That is not only scientifically impossible, it's mathmatically impossible particularly if we count the same way as the creationists do.
That is a story, not the truth.

erinberry said...

News flash: “Interracial” doesn’t mean non-American, Dani. Your husband is of a different race than you, and thus you are an interracial couple. People take quotes from the Bible to make a case that your relationship is WRONG – How do you like that? Do you like people looking down on your marriage? Some people would use the word "perverted" to describe the marriage of a caucasian to a non-caucasian. Doesn't feel too good, does it?

I know exactly who Jesus is, whereas obviously you don’t have a clue.

Dani said...

That's right Mike - you come from apes!

And Erin - Frankly, I really don't care what you think!

Toad734 said...

Cat fight!

Dani, thanks for ignorantly acknowledging that we "come from apes". Which we don't, we share the same ancestors as apes but I think you are starting to get the picture.

BRUISER said...

Love the fact that a Christian whose Bible tells them of common incest and molestation of their tribe is telling people that MTV glorifies sexual perversion.... The last time I looked the only thing ungodly about MTV are the Jessica Simpson Family selling their daughter to a nation using her sexual provaclivities...well that and whatever Bush voting member of YellowCard has a video on.

ps- Why do Christians hate so much?

erinberry said...

Sad, isn't it, Bruiser?

Dani, it's not what I think - It's an example of how people use the Bible to discriminate. It merely demonstrates how people like you are total hypocrites.

Aberrant Templar said...

People, people, please.

Trying to "reason" or "argue" with Dani is doomed to failure. She has a stranglehold on her opinions and no amount of discussion will change that. Disagreeing with her, either here or on her blog, will only feed her ego and accomplish nothing of value.

I would recommend dealing with her the way you'd deal with your crazy aunt. If you have a faith; pray for her and learn what not to do from her fine example. If you don't have a faith; just smile, nod your head, and slowly walk away.

That way we can all get back to talking about real important stuff.

Such as ninjas.

Or cake.

Goddamn it, now I'm hungry.

BlunTruth said...

Such hate indeed – from the racist, humanists and hypocritical homos on this sight.

Yes, you all better get back to the real important stuff!

And remember..."Do Not Judge"

erinberry said...

bluntruth, do you have anything useful to say? No? Didn't think so. Have fun in hell.